Fake it till you make it

SO! The month of February is about to end. I wanted to post an update before the end of the month to be MUCH better than the last month. For some reason I used to be a whole lot better about posting a few times a month, but that was when I worked at ANASAZI and I would come off the trail and tell everyone stories about my adventures walking in the desert. Now that my time has been filled with yet again children (the little ones!), I just seem to find about 100 different ways to spend my time and excuses to not write, which is actually quite sad! I think, I'm FINALLY in a position that I can talk about somethings that have happened since I moved out here to Arizona.

I haven't said much on my blog about how hard moving to Arizona has been for me. I don't know if I will share the whole thing, because I know most of you are DYING to see pictures (I hope anyways!) but I will share a little bit about it because my heart is just so full. I lived in the Bay Area for a year and a half. I have never had so many trials, relied on the LORD so much, was on my knees more than I can count, had more blessings than I know what do with, but I had the BEST time in my life out there. It was so hard, but I only look back with some of the fondest memories.

When I think of the Bay Area, my heart just aches. I miss my friends, I miss my ward, I miss the kids I used to nanny, I miss the weather, I miss San Francisco, I miss the scenery, I miss my family that lived out there close to me, I miss the unity and knowing that I was going to be just fine. I miss the person that I was when I was out there. If my friends in the Bay Area saw who I've turned into, I think that they would all be so sad. The person I am out here, is NOT the person I was back there. I've put a smile on my face, I've laughed, I've joked, but inside, I'm barley hanging on. I've been faking everything for MONTHS.

So besides my heart just aching and missing everyone and everything back in the bay, moving to Arizona hasn't been easy. It's taken me MONTHS to talk about this, let alone months to finally let people in. I'm really good at faking it. I make it a point to make sure that until I'm ready no one knows about my issues, my heart aches, my trials... I put on a VERY good facade. So, here I am, putting it all out there.

I moved here to work for the ANASAZI Foundation as a trail walker. A program that I once attended as a participant when I was 15, and had been counting down the years and days until I was old enough to go and work there. It saved my life. I can honestly say I wouldn't be alive if this program hadn't intervened. I walked only two weeks before I was told I wasn't good enough and nothing I could do would make me good enough to come back as a trail walker. I was lied to, I was mistreated, situations were not handled properly, and so for months I've suffered in silence. Don't get me wrong, ANASAZI is a wonderful program if you're a participant, but I would definitely think twice before I would suggest people go work for them. People I thought I could trust, taught me that I could never trust them. People that I thought had my best interests, really didn't. People that I was hoping and counting on to help me pull through this difficult transition, failed me.

When they let me go, it took MONTHS for me to even tell my family. And even now, I doubt that my immediate family really knows what happened. I didn't want people to think of me as a failure, especially those in the bay area. I mean, I moved from there to do this, and this has blown up in my face. I failed. I wasn't good enough. So I tucked all those feelings away, and I let myself grieve over loosing something that meant so much to me.

So there's a good chunk of it. One of the most intimate moments of my life. I've just put it all on display for the world. I think it means something good though. I think it means that I'm getting over it. That I'm ok talking about it, that I've healed just enough to allow others to know of my pain and my heart. One step at a time, I'm allowing the Creator to come in and heal my heart. I'm allowing him to take this weight off my shoulders. I'm allowing him to take this pain away.

But anyways! We should get onto the happy stuff! My 22nd Birthday has come and gone, and I've turned another year older! My birthday was a good one. I got studio lights and backdrops, I got my first EVER motorcycle ride from Kyle, I got a tri-pod for my studio, and I celebrated the wonderful day with my family and friends... eating christmas ribs. It was a good birthday! :)

Pictures... there are a bunch! get ready!












My motorcycle ride birthday present from Kyle :) I was a hyper little kid!

I still haven't taken pictures of my car. I really should go do it, but I want it to be clean first, so hopefully next month! haha!

Until then...

<3 the girl who opened up her heart to the world...