SO! Tonight I went and visited a friend in the hospital. We sat and talked. Ok, I lied, I did most the talking and she did the listening, adding little comments here and there and then asking a few questions along the way as well. So much has happened in the past week. So many emotions. There's just so much going on, but I feel like something even bigger is about to hit, something that will try me in ways I can't even begin to comprehend as of right this minute.
I know that I need some growing experiences. I know that I need to be pushed in ways I've never known or felt. I know that there's some lessons I need to learn. I just sit here and I have two thoughts that are constantly running through my head.
1) OH FREAKING CRAP! I'm not ready for this!
and 2) It's time for me to grow, it's game time, let's get it started!
See!? Two polar-opposite reactions. On one hand I'm ready for the trials and the growing experiences, but on the other hand I'm freaking out! Things have been way too easy for me lately. Don't get me wrong, I've had my hardships, and I've had my hard days, but if what I'm feeling is right, I haven't seen or felt ANYTHING yet. Something big is coming. Something will flip my whole world upside down, and turn me inside out. There's nothing like knowing something is going to hit and not being able to have a self defense.
I talked with my friend about this. I told her about my fears, and she said "Well Leavitt, what are you going to do? Where are you going to start?" after thinking about it, I know that there's somethings I need to do.
1) I need to create and have a much better relationship with my Creator. This means I will be reading my sacred readings more and I will be speaking with the Creator more frequently.
2) I will be in places where my Creator can find me. I will be at the temple at least once a week to perform services for those who have passed on before us.
3) I will try and have a better relationship with my family. I will take the time to be with them.
4) I will take on my past (eeekkk!!!) and I will deal with it.
5) I will do emotional energy work.
6) I will serve others
and then my friend added one more on and I'm glad she did
7) I will be grateful
The most important thing for me right now is to be grateful for everything. The daily hardships, the trials... everything! I feel in my gut I've been getting prepared for this, I gave a Relief Society lesson on trials for heaven sake. Here's a couple of quotes from that lesson that really stuck out!
"Opposition is part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help."-Elder Richards
“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire." -- Elder Orson F. Whitney
"At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right."-- Elder Paul V. Johnson
I think the last one is my favorite... that trials are very personal and almost laser guided to my weaknesses. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know in what way I'm supposed to grow. I don't know what's going to happen, but as I write this, I know that I'm there, I'm ready to grow, I'm ready to take it on, and I"m ready to have these experiences. I will probably have to refer back to this post when it gets really tough, I'm actually hoping I will.
So, to the future me, it's ok. I know it's hard, but I CAN do this. Be strong. Be courageous. You're loved and you've got so many people around you who are there to help. I know that sometimes they can't help you, but I hope you'll let them if they can. Stay close to the Creator. Fight and endure!
For now, I'm going to enjoy this calmness... because I know it's not going to last. I'm going to start writing a gratitude journal so that I can look back on the things that I'm grateful for. Maybe I'll make a gratitude post next...
-- The girl who's waiting in anticipation for trials eagerly!!!
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